"Orbiting the New World"

With his exploration and reconnaissance ship having safely entered into low orbit around the planet, Simon Reynolds floats into the observation deck to take a better look at humankind’s new home.

The lush landscape rolls by quickly, and the familiar Earth-like features of savannas, oceans, beaches, mountains, forests, rivers… it all helps calm Simon’s worries about the mass exodus from Earth and the subsequent re-habitation to take place over the next 50 years. Â Everyone willÂ loveÂ this new world.

To make it fit for human life, though, a quick and painless culling of the native population will have to take place; preferably before the media back home learn of the planet and begin calling the new world a “name” (it’s always harder to get away with the necessary genocide if the bleeding hearts back home can have a catchy name to call the natives). Â Such things are best done quickly, and aren’t usually fit for public consumption. Â

Most just don’t have the stomach for the realities of the situation, is all.

Soon after Simon’s strategically targeted cleansing implantations (such as infecting the main sources of drinking water, the soil the crops are grown in, and the animals that the natives interact with the most), the planet will be blanketed with carefully refined Earth-diseases that the natives have no natural antibodies for— and after a few years, the indigenous human-like population of the new world will be down to a manageable level and Simon and the Intergalactic Settlement Company can begin building the first settlements and outposts without worrying about the inconvenience of a native reprisal.

It’s all standard operating procedure, of course, to prevent trouble down the road. Â If they’re lucky enough to eliminate the natives entirely, that’d be great, but Simon knows it’s more likely that they’ll have to engage in an aggressive media campaign that downplays the genocide-y aspects of the cleansing and focuses mostly on the necessity of preparing a foreign planet’s environment for future human settlements.

The onlyÂ realÂ problem Simon can see is a somewhat obvious one: while the untouched virgin beauty of the undeveloped planet seems nice in theory, modern humans don’t actually like things quite this “rustic”. Â They’ll have to clear many of these forests and green valleys that look so beautiful from the cozy view of an orbiting spaceship if the Earthlings are gonna have the infrastructure they’ve become accustomed to. Â

It may be rough at first, but after several generations of hard work and intensive modernizing of the new world’s natural environment, Simon knows in his heart that any remaining natives will have the good sense to be thankful for all of this.Â

In the end, it’s all for the best.

(Thank you to theÂ amazingly talented Samantha of Other-side-of-the-universe.comÂ for giffing this for me!)

Wanna appear in your very own Daily Doodle?Â CLICK HERE!
FAQÂ Â TWITTERÂ Â FACEBOOKÂ Â SOCIETY6

Explore downplay GIFs